It’s time to get ready for the upcoming fringe performances and I finally watch the video of the Premiere of Sandman. It’s like facing your own demons. There is the obvious cringe factor when looking at myself: Do I really look, move, speak like that? Yuk! Then, there is the little voice in my head, constantly nagging: too much movement here, that transition is too slow, you didn’t hit the right pitch there, etc. And then I feel a little disheartened, because the amazing and brilliant performance I had created in my head, doesn’t quite look the way I imagined it and maybe isn’t that brilliant after all??? And the little voice keeps nagging, despite the fact that many, many people told me otherwise.
Through the fog and mist of all these thoughts and emotions, I finally manage to arrive at a more objective point of view, asking myself What do I see when I watch the performance? How can I use it constructively? And suddenly I feel free to really engage with my own work in a constructive way.
It’s only a certain degree of distance from what you have created that allows you to see clearly. I feel I am now at a point where I understand the performance better and can make it better. I suppose that’s the pleasure of being in control of your work and developing it until the day it’s being performed for the last time.
I am sure we all face our own demons when we are forced to really look at our work and see it for what it is. But that’s the only way forward.